I didn't tell you guys this... *laugh*

Last friday... when I was having such a hard day... I took out my wedding tiara (the one I made for myself).

I put it on. I figured I needed to remind myself that I deserve to treat myself like royalty. For one day at least - treat myself like a princess, act like a princess. As silly as it sounds - I think it helped me. The slight weight on my head reminded me that I was a better person than the thoughts I was allowing in my head, that I was strong, that I could withstand the pressure to do stupid things to achieve being 'thin'... reminded me of my ultimate goal - to be HEALTHY.

Silly but it seemed to work. It's still sitting on my desk at home. Reminding me daily of what I should be doing and how I should be treating myself.

(p.s. there's a wedding pic of me on my bbt chart - I'm wearing the tiara there)

Back is doing much better

I'm still not 100% sure about this chiropractor - but we'll see.

He did fix the problem in my back (or I fixed myself) - icing and rest last night helped. I woke up this morning with next to no pain.

Still - I guess I'm less optimistic about my shoulder? How many sessions of 'intense corrective therapy' have I had in the last year and half since this started? (too many). I'm still left with this problem.

Basically he's saying pretty much the same thing the others have said. Neck too straight. Left hip is lower than right hip (hmm because my right leg is functionally longer than the other one?) Some chronic subluxation throughout.

I pretty much feel I'm a chiropractors dream patient. Adjust me and 2 seconds later I"m out of whack. I'm a veritable cash cow. So when he recommended the standard 3 sessions a week for 4 weeks and then tapering off - well I'm a bit skeptical.

I have the appt with the sports doc a 1/2 hour from here on May 3. I told him I wanted to wait to see what that doc said before I went full bore into another round of 'intense corrective care'.

Maybe he was offended - at this point I'm not nearly as concerned about it as I would have been in the past. I'm more concerned about getting answers and HELP and FIXING this problem once and for all.

This doc did hit some things that were probably very close to the truth - that pain and issues can come from stress - even emotional stress, job stress. And this stress is typically manifested as tired sore muscles and tension in the mid back and shoulder area. For the last year and a half - how much stress have I been under? A fair amount. I try and deal with it - but it's there non the less. I think I deal with it better than some folks do - but I wonder how much is still hanging around?

How much emotional stress from TTC'ing and worrying about PCOS. How much stress from our visa/work situation? How much stress just from the adjustment of living with Tim?

Maybe I focused on that part of what he was saying because I've been exploring the mind body connection again. Maybe I was more receptive to hearing at this point in time... I'm not sure..

*********

Saph: yeah I think hubby being gone pushes me out of comfort zone - I miss him. HE brings a lot of schedule to my life too - lunch - dinner - going to bed at a more regular time. Not having him to cook for (or remind me that it's time to eat) -- all of tghat plays a part. I think it's easier for me to just not eat when he's not around - because I don't have those little reminders from him about what time of the day it is and the schedule we keep together etc. I'm not sure that my appetite levels itself are tied to him - but I"m not completely closed to that idea too. I'm moving in to the week before my period too - a time when my appetite seems to increase on it's own anyhow - so I'm not sure if that's a larger source for the appetite shift or not. Anyhow - thanks for the note :) I appreciated it!

Thanks to Everyone for their notes - you guys gave me support when I needed it most - very grateful for that!

Body coup d'etat

Yah - my body is staging a revolt I swear. I bent over to the side this morning reaching for a pair of undies to put on - *BAM* back goes out. You know what my thought was at the time? After I drop off Nicoles package I can go to the gym *SPROING* - at that moment back went out. WTF? Is it because I mentioned the gym? Is that it body? Is that why you forsake me? *laugh*

Soooooo I'm heading to the chiro this afternoon rather than the gym. Maybe the gym tonight? (maybe I shouldn't press my luck)


This is one of the worst lower back probs I've had in a long time. I can't bend over or straighten without pain. Getting in and out of my chair hurts. I"ve currently got spikes of pain running down the backs of both of my legs - but predominantly the left one. grrrreaattt.

Ok aside from my back - wtf is up with my appetite? I go from NO appetite last week to *OMG I"M GOING TO EAT THE HOUSE* appetite on the weekend.

I was thinking about this - trying to figure out a pattern. There are a couple of things that came to mind. I had 2 doughnuts on Friday. Hubby brought me home 2 of my most fav donuts from my most fav doughnut shop - Tim Hortons (ahhh there's my canuck heritage going out). I ate one - and then the other ..oops!

Actually I came out under target for food that day - not the best nurition though when you consider I had 2 walnut crunch doughnuts.... they were yummy though

Calories Eaten Friday:
source grams cals %total
Total: 1387
Fat: 50 447 35%
Sat: 14 130 10%
Poly: 7 67 5%
Mono: 19 175 14%
Carbs: 162 516 40%
Fiber: 33 0 0%
Protein: 80 319 25%
Alcohol: 0 0 0%



Saturday and Sunday weren't much better. Most of saturday was spent shopping for a new microwave (since my old one from university decided to start burning holes in my food - hey it was only 12 years old!).

Sunday - I was fighting off food cravings and appetite all day - not sure what was up with that but I made it through okay - not great. But okay.

227.5

Weight dropped this morning again.

I probably shouldn't have weighed myself. I didn't eat a whole heck of a lot yesterday. The positive reinforcement from the scale this morning not good.

I keep reminding myself that anorexia is NOT the path I want to take with my life. When you find yourself standing on a slippery slope... find a way to safer ground.

I'm on slippery ground here. In the past I think I questioned whether or not I had the discipline and the will power to restrict my food that much for as long as it would take to come anywhere close to 'goal weight'. In the past I didn't believe I could do it. After almost 3 years of pretty much sticking to one diet or another and never giving up once.... I *know* I have the strength to do it. That knowledge is dangerous. I could do it - but *why*? Could I do this until I die? Doesn't that where this path leads? Am I naieve to think that once I deliver myself to the clutches of this beast that I will somehow be strong enough to 'escape' and eat normally afterwards? How arrogant of me! I've seen stronger women fall to the clutches, and how miserable their life is. How bad is their health? What happens if I stop for one minute - walking this path - I regain my weight and I've DESTROYED my metabolism. Chances are I end up even fatter than I am now.

I've started to remind myself of all the reasons that this would be a STUPID path to to start down.

Not including wrecking my health so that I never get pregnant. That alone is a pretty powerful push me back onto safe ground.


So no - I'm not going anorexic. And I'm going to EAT today to prove it. The fact that I've even had this conversation with myself shakes me. Scares me.

If anyone is out there reading - today is the day that I need your support - please leave me notes. Hit me over the head with them. Remind me how stupid it is to even be THINKING about succumbing to anorexia.

Ugh Migraine

I had a huuuuge migraine yesterday. It knocked me on my ass big time. Eating was off because of it. I also didn't get a workout (or stretches or yoga in). Not good all the way around.

A weather front moved in yesterday and I wondered if that might be part of it. I was nauseated all morning long (I think that's a new 'warning' sign for me). I had my usual choco cravings. *sigh* Ate 4 mini peices of dove dark chocolate.

I've been waiting to ovulate - my temp has been rising slowly since the 18th (the day after Hubby left for work trip). IT's possible I o'd on the 18th, but probably more likely that I ovulated yesterday. I've gotten migraines with the shift in hormones (drop in estrogen and rise in progesterone) before.

Time will tell. I'll probably be able to figure it out from when my period begins or when the spotting starts (if I have any of my 'usual' spotting this month).

I'm trying hard to be positive :P

Weight is back down to 229.5 lbs - probably because I only ate 1200 calories on tuesday and up until 10 pm last night - only 900 calories yesterday. Not enough I know but migraine pain kills my appetite big time. I ended up eating 1400 cals when all was said and done yesterday but I know it wasn't nutritionally healthy food so while I was close to my target of 1500 calories - it wasn't 'good' food ya know?

Anyhow - life goes on. I'm curious as to whether or not I would lose weight at 1200 calories, or even lower. I'm not working out right now so I don't think my metabolism would shut down right away - but who knows with how wacky my body is. Theoretically a 230 lbs woman should lose weight with a consumption of 1200 kcal/day - theoretically. The question is - how sustainable is that, and what are the long term effects on my metabolism. The fear of shutting down my metabolism has kept me from sticking to a 1200 kcal diet for very long in the past... of course like I said - I'm not working out much these days so it wouldn't be the same as when I was going full bore in the gym.

All thoughts playing around in my head.

Life without mirrors

I had this thought this weekend - how would I feel about myself if I had a life without mirrors?

How would I feel about myself if I never saw my fat rolls in the mirror, or the cellulite on my butt, or zits on my face, or my thinning hair. What kinds of thoughts would I have? How would I judge myself? What would I think other people were thinking about me?

Invariably when I'm standing in front of the mirror, I'm judging myself. I see myself and I start wondering what other people think of me. If that physical exterior was removed (i.e. I couldn't see it) what would I think? How would I judge myself?

It occurred to me that I would judge myself based on my smile, the way people warm to me when I smile. I would judge myself based on how happy I make my friends, and my family.... and my husband. I wouldn't have anything discordant from the words of my husband. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, how sexy he finds me. If I couldn't see anything different for myself - would I believe him more?

Would I judge myself solely on my actions and how I live my life instead of that AND how I look?

Would I judge my efforts to be healthy based on how I'm feeling rather than how I look?

I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself here but it was a light bulb moment for me. I don't think I'd beat myself up nearly as much if I couldn't look in the mirror and SEE how fat I am. I'd be much happier with myself. I wouldn't judge myself as much.

Would I even know I had a small zit on my forehead? Would I care about the wrinkles forming around my eyes?

I don't think so. AT least - not nearly as much.

I need to recognize this. I doubt I can avoid mirrors for the rest of my life so how do I achieve happiness with them? By modifying my inner dialogue.

These thoughts all came about because I spent the majority of the weekend camping, in the woods. And I was HAPPY. Not just because I was out in nature (which is always healing for me), but I realized too - because I was doing the things that I liked to do, and wearing comfortable clothes, and I didn't CARE if my stomach pooched out in my exercise pants (and the shirt I packed didn't cover it up), or if my uniboob from my sports bra was unflattering. I didn't care. I couldnt see it, and I didn't care, I was camping anyhow. I didn't care that my hair was a frizz bomb, or if my face was dirty with soot from building a fire, no mirror - couldn't see it. I was with my husband (who loves me 100% for who I am, and even loves my curves).... and I was happy. Happy being alone painting while he went fishing on saturday. And happy Sunday hiking around with him in 20 lbs of totally unflattering fly fishing gear... just spending time with him, with nature, and practicing my fly casting (More like practicing feeding the trees fly's! heh).

Not having a visual reminder of my 'unacceptable state' meant I was completely free to enjoy nature and better yet enjoy myself.

It was a huge reminder to me that I need to change my inner monologue. I need to focus on the good things that I DO. And not just whether or not I did a workout that day, or did or didn't avoid chocolate. I just need to be more POSITIVE overall. Not just about the weightloss things, but about everything, and not focus so much on the things in my life that suck (like shoulder pain, infertility, and PCOS symptoms, and extra fat).

228 lbs yay!

Weighed in Saturday at 228 lbs.

What have I been doing differently?

NOTHING... except trying to change my attitude about this. I actually walked less this week than past weeks, ate about the same as most weeks. But I changed my attitude.

Interesting huh? At least I think so.

Funky...

Ok - so maybe I'll stop eating lobster?

po-d crustraceans

Acutally there is a wealth of absolutely stunning photographs at this page:
http://exploretheabyss.com/photo/index.htm

And this is why....

there are so many jokes about Iowa:

Idiots out wandering around

Some people would say "WTF! That can't be real"... no folks - this is real. The land of people who get confused by lines in a parking lot and park OVER a line (or 3) rather thaninbetween.

Waiter Rant

Waiter Rant

Love this guys writing. I *wish* I could write this well and be half as entertaining!

little tidbit

If we do not try, we will not know.

-Ayya Khema, Be An Island


True for so many things, no? I got this from beliefnet, but it applies to so many things in life, including my 3 largest pursuits these days

1) weightloss
2) baby making
3) jewlery business

Migraine ... WEEE! *grumble*

Mondo mondo migraine last night. Bad enough I almost caved and got Tim to take me to emergency to get some DRUGS. I did take my prescrip migraine drugs (zomig) and it DID take the edge off but MAN. It was a doozy last night. One of the worst ones I've had in a long time.

I was suuuuper sensitive to light last night and even this morning too. I've had the lights off and the blinds closed for most of the day today.. it's slowly easing up now though. I had to laugh. I walked into the living room last night in search of my meds and it was like the whole place was lit up. Except all the lights were off and the ONLY light in the room was from the LED's of our computer monitors and computers. FREAKY. And of course all the lights had halos.

I should have known too. I was soooo craving dark chocolate last night. Now the craving on it's own is not remarkable but when it gets SO bad that I cave in to the cravings. I caved last night and ate 2. 2 mini chocolates not a big deal really, in the grand scheme of things. But it's small shit like this, that I tend to beat myself up on.

Still - I sat most of the day on my exercise ball and danced around the apartment some. I know it's not a LOT but I'll count it as 'something'.

The end result is, despite my new energy, I'm still struggling. This is be expected. I can't just pick up and *boom* be back to doing 3 weight workouts, 3 cardio sessions, PLUS yoga, plus walking, plus meal planning and EXECUTION again just like that *snap of the fingers*. It will take time to get back to that point.

And despite everything - I still continue to 'eat healthy', and do it pretty consistently. Is it 5-6 small meals a day? Nope. It's about 3 - small to moderate meals a day. When I'm out and have to eat out - I still make 'healthy' choices. My guilty snacks these days are fruit. Most people would say hay ... fruit is GOOD. And in general I agree, but there was a time when eating canned pineapple was a HUUUUUGE no-no for me.

So the conclusion? In the grand scheme of things compared to other people I'm doing pretty well. Is it enough for me to lose weight? nope. But I know that, I've accepted that. I think though that I've gotten to a point where if I do manage to get back into full swing like I was before that I'll see some good losses because my body has gotten used to this 'semi-lazy' stuff. AT least - I'm holding on to that hope like a drowning person to a life raft. heh.

Parting thoughts: Took a personal test today - not bad. I think in general it's accurate - except for the organized part. I don't know how organized I am. I WANT to be organized, but the state of my house would be proof otherwise. ;)
Hmm I had to change their 'code' that they gave cause it's mucking up my side panels on my blog...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion	||||||||||||||||	63%
Stability	||||||||||||||	60%
Orderliness	||||||||||||||	60%
Empathy	||||||||||||||	56%
Interdependence	||||||||||	36%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||||	63%
Mystical	||||||||||	36%
Artistic	||||||||||||||||||||	83%
Religious	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Hedonism	||||	16%
Materialism	||||||||||	36%
Narcissism	||||||||||	36%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||	70%
Work ethic	||||||||||||||	56%
Self absorbed	||||||||||||	50%
Conflict seeking	||||||||||	36%
Need to dominate	||||||||||||	43%
Romantic	||||||||||||	43%
Avoidant	||||	16%
Anti-authority	||||||	30%
Wealth	||||||||||	36%
Dependency	||||||||||||	50%
Change averse	||||||||||||	43%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||||||	63%
Individuality	||||||||||||||||	70%
Sexuality	||||||||||||	50%
Peter pan complex	||||	16%
Physical security	||||||||||||||||||||	90%
Food indulgent	||||||||||||||||	63%
Histrionic	||||||	23%
Paranoia	||||||||||	36%
Vanity	||||||||||||	43%
Hypersensitivity	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Female cliche	||||||||||||||||	70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.


trait snapshot:

expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic

16 lbs to go to get back...

to the weight where I started sticking my head into the sand. Yeah - May last year when I went off birth control. The first 10 lbs were water - I lost the water and replaced with another 22 lbs of fat.

215 lbs was the last 'stable' weight I had in my loss. I got down to 211 in April last year. That was my lowest. I was hovering around 213-217 for quite a while though.

So - first goal? Get BACK to 215 and my measurements around that time.

Here's the ticker:

Changed ticker position

More front and center now.... and more for my own benefit. 16 lbs lost. I need to see that. It used to be 38 lbs lost. It will be again... but I need to see that.

I may create a 'sub-ticker' ... a goal ticker. Something less than 66 lbs. 66 lbs is a lot to look at. *laugh* a big chunk to swallow or so they say.

Anyhow...... sitting on my exercise ball right now - much better for my posture. I'm already sitting straight - and naturually. boo-yah!

:P
Gawd I really do sound bi-polar don't I??? REading through the other posts and now these two?? :P Fuck it. Whatever works. I'm coming through the dark tunnel to the other side.

Ahhh Spring

Spring always brings me alive... every part of me. I start wanting to plant seeds, and create. I become more focused on my weightloss and my goals in that arena. I'm even becoming more focused on the whole 'baby thing'. Feeling the itch to push my husband to finally schedule his SA (semen analysis for those non fertility focused people).

And CLEAN. I've been sick of the clutter in our place for months but I'm finally feeling the energy to tackle it.


I'm not sure what was up with the blogger yesterday but I had a devil of a time getting in here and then when I did I didn't want to post for fear of mucking something up, corrupting some file, or losing a post.

:P

Anyhow I'm here now.

I was sick on the weekend. Stomach flu I think. I'm finally over it today (I think). Didn't work out yesterday but I will today, no excuse not to.

Weighed in at 231 lbs this morning. I'll have to change my ticker.

Found out another of my online TTC friends is preggers. So happy for her. :) Congratulations Jilly!!!

What else?

Oh. My parents make the cross from the Bahamas this week... positive thoughts and prayers for their saftey going out to them. I know they've done this for going on 7 years now, old pros at the crossing... but... as anyone who's lived by/on the sea knows - anything can happen. The sea is a pretty powerful mistress - prone to blindsighting fits of temper. Thankfully they are crossing with 2 other boats. There is a bit more saftey in #'s.

Prayers of peace and healing going out to my friend Angie and her mom. Her mom has had heart trouble and is undergoing open heart surgery. Her mom had a stroke and her docs now think she's blind. It's a tough thing for my friend... a friend who has enough health crosses to bear of her own (she's dealing with MS and all of the health issues that come with that... and more).

Rolling over my 401K account. This financial stuff makes me feel so incredibily stupid. I'm trying not to be so ignorant about all of this. Feels weird to know I have a sizable chunk of money in 401K and I'm just 5 years out of college. At least I have been smart enough to have been trying to sock away money into a 401K.

What else is on my mind?
Jewelry business. I need to put some more focus on it. Get that up and running. It's my dream, I've got to feed it to make it become a reality.

I actually do think I've been experiencing a depression. It never fails - this time of year I start to 'wake up' and I say to myself - I need to do something about this next year... and then summer comes and I forget all about the dark hibernation months... and then they deceptively sneak up on me... and I don't realize that I've been living in an emotional straight jacket and dark room with now walls for months - UNTIL spring comes around again.

This post almost sounds bipolar doesn't it???? Honestly. Doc has mentined SAD to me. I've suspected it for years. How much more obvious can it be to me? Yet I have not yet purchased a light lamp. Why? $$. Galls me to shell out that much for a LIGHT. Stupid of me really.

Anyhow - that's about it for now except for one last thing... I took a survey yesterday one of those silly ones.... thought I'd post it here:

The Vampire Novel Hmm, very interesting! You scored 143!

People are addicted to you, as you make such entertaining and sexy reading material. You get people’s imaginations flowing and make for the type of book people want to read more than once. Cults have been inspired by the likes of you.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 72% on bookpoints

Link: The What Kind Of Book Are You Test written by saucygirl on OkCupid Online Dating

Another Month - no baby

Period starting today. I'm somewhat okay with it. Of course I'm disappointed but you know I'm happy too. I was really worried this month that things had finally fallen apart. My CM was all wacked out - I had that long streak of ewcm. It seemed like I o'd on cd 18, I could have sworn I did, but then I had all that ewcm afterwards and more tenderness on the right hand side... like I was still full of eggs ready to pop.

Since I haven't been temping I just didn't know what the deal was. Looking at my spotting pattern it's actually not too crazy to think that I o'd twice. Once on cd 18, and then again cd 26. Except for the fact that it's pretty rare to ovulate twice in one cycle, especially that many days apart. So who really knows what happened. Maybe I never ovulated at all? That's a definite possibility. There was definitely LOT of stress this month (which for whatever reason is just occurring to me now - DUH). Today was cd 36. I'm going to take the override off my chart. Since I have no clue if I did ovulate and I don't want to mess up my stats.

This month I will start charting again.

I found out yesterday that 2 of my online friends are pregnant. I'm so happy for them. Yeah I feel the twinge of sadness for myself but I know these ttwo gals have been struggling for a long time... and I know the relief they feel at being pregnant... the joy. I wish them both the best and I really am overjoyed for both of them. One is a 'friend' back at opendiary.com - Nursegirl and the other is a gal from fertilityfriend.com - the girl I made a fertility pendant for. She's tickled pink of course that the first month she had her pendant was the month they finally got pregnant. It's probably a coincidence but I wonder about the power of the mind you know - not so much that there was power in the pendant, but that Connie believed there was, she believed in herself too.

So maybe I need to make one for myself - the one I've been meaning to make... or maybe what I really need to do is believe in myself and let go ;)