New tracker...

I'm ranging from 230 to 233 throughout the day. Harsh to see the #'s go from 38 lbs to 17 lbs lost.

Wanna hear something pathetic?

I have a bunch of blogs that I read - all 'infertiles' like me. People who are struggling to get pregnant, have been for months, years etc. I found some comfort in reading what they're going through, knowing I"m not alone in this fucking insanity. That most of us go through certain emotions. That well meaning statements can drive us batty at times...

Well guess what - 8 out of the 10 that I read are now pregnant, or just delivered. Yay. So I'm back to being alone again. Do you *KNOW* how much it sucks to want to be happy for someone knowing they worked SO HARD for something for SO LONG and they've wanted it so badly... and all you can feel is jealousy? hurt? abandonment? Why is it easier for me to feel happy for my friends that weren't going through infertility? I don't get that, well I do. I didn't identify with them I guess. I put those friends in a different class they weren't 'like me' so it was easier to be happy for them when they became pregnant.

I have to keep myself from feeling "Great! It's just ME that's broken now, everyone else is 'working' again". I really do... and I absolutely positively FUCKING HATE FEELING THIS WAY.

I do. I don't LIKE feeling sorry for myself. I want to be able to just let this emotion go, focus on more positive things. I'm trying. I am. But I'm still finding myself crying when I think about this, so OBVIOUSLY I'm NOT letting go. Obviously the hurt and pain is still there.

I don't know what to do about that other than just keep trying.

Soooo... I'm not pregnant.

Big surprise.

I've had a tough time with it this month. Probably because I let my hopes get up, not a lot, but a little. The week of nausea and my IBS going nutso and my period being late - kinda gave me a little hope.

I want to believe this will happen for me, but I feel like my heart is hardening. It would almost be easier to just accept this will never happen and be pleasantly suprised if it does... than to spend a few weeks every month waiting to see if 'this month is it'.

I can't even really talk about it too much right now. I know I probably should as every time I think about this right now tears well up in my eyes. But I can't. Not right now.