Down & out

I posted this at one of my weightloss groups (http://makingitmine.proboards17.com/index.cgi) it's pretty much what I would say here so I'm x-posting it. Sorry. No originality today I'm afraid.

I made it to the gym for a walk on the treadmill yesterday (all the ellipticals were taken). Last night was a really bad night.

I wanted to just lay down and cry. How am I going to get past this if a 20 minute walk with an average speed of 3.6 mph puts me into excrutiating pain?

I'm starting to feel like I did wayyy back when... back when walking was so painful and so awful for my back and hips that the thought of doing it for any length of time just devastated me.

Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe it was just the treadmill. I don't know.

Feeling *really* down about all of this.

My Cervix had a temper tantrum.

BAD CERVIX!!! *waggles a finger at cervix*

Yeah - another burst of red spotting late last night. I've been having more of that aching and irriation too around the area that would be my right ovary. Not sure wtf is up with that. There was some (ewww don't read if you have a weak stomach) ... clottyness that had fallen into the toilet. It could have been cervical mucous mixed with blood - who knows.

I'm still getting ewcm. If I was a betting woman I'd say that I haven't ovulated this month, and probably won't. Ironically I had put up an 'override' on my fertility friend chart - on cd18 - I took it down yesterday as I've been having more spurts of ewcm. These 'gushes of red blood' have been happening 9/10 days past ovulation. Well guess what? if I count back 9 days? guess what day that lands me on? You guessed it cd 18. So maybe I did ovulate? But then why the ewcm? Unless my hormones are getting screwy again, and my estrogen is skyrocketing. Might explain why my sex drive has just gone through the roof this month and last. Like it was when I was a teenager. Like it was when PCOS was just about to pounce on me and spiral my health out of control. This month the sex drive seems to be continuing through the whole cycle instead of shutting off immediately after ovulation. Did I ovulate several times? Did I not ovulate? Who the fuck knows. The huge spike in my weight over the weekend would correlate nicely though with AF coming any day now. Probably Thursday afternoon before my husband gets home - according to Murphy's Law.

I feel like I'm playing a game of Russian Roulette. Each month I spin the barrel on the gun, pull the trigger, and pray that this month PCOS doesn't catch up with me. That this month I ovulate and things don't get out of control.

I think I'm fighting off SAD again too. I cannot for the life of me seem to break this habit of getting out of bed late. Even for work I'm pushing the line. That speaks to me though and says if I can still force myself out of bed for work I can do it for myself and my health/weightloss goals. I just have to find a way. Find a way to push the curtains of depression back and make getting up early a HABIT.

I'm feeling confused and down today. Heh. I can hear some people saying 'No Shit Sherlock!'. I want to be positive, and reinforce the good things that I've been doing but I'm beating myself up too. If I hadn't of gained this weight I wouldn't be so fucking worried about the PCOS shit. Although maybe that's not true. I was still pretty damn worried about it 15 lbs ago. So I don't know. I want to do this but I feel like I'm living in a fog with lead weights on my limbs. I am proud of one thing though, when the hunger was gnawing me and I was soooooooooooooo tempted to drive through the drive through because I just wanted some quick food to eat. I resisted. I drove past the restaurants yes. But I resisted. I made my way home, came home and ate some pineapple and other assorted semi healthy stuff (pineapple was canned in it's own juice - not as good as fresh, even fresh some people say has too much sugar).


Well anyhow - that's it for now. I'll find a way to get through all this shit somehow.

Cervix news

Well the 2 months of not temping have been very relaxing in some ways, but unnerving in other ways.

Its nice not waking up and temping every single effing morning. It's nice not to have my fertility crap be the FIRST thing on my mind every morning. It's NOT been nice though - not knowing for sure if I've ovulated or not. Or when I've ovulated. And guessing what the time is.

Especially this month with my patches of ewcm and pain (which I assume to be ovary) on my right hand side this month.

The pain has me a bit worried. Last time I asked doc about it they pretty much shrugged it off. Figuring it was just my ovary being all irritated and such after/during ovulation. Of course my paranoid hypochondriac brain didn't like not having a concrete answer or their seemingly flippant attitude.

I've continued to ruminate.

This weekend was filled with random stabs of pain - very low on the right hand side. Same stabbing and dull throb in the same spot whenever my bladder got too full and when I emptied it. Also with bowel movements. Kinda freaks me out but it's not excrutiating or anything. I figure if I pass out from the pain or I start screaming uncontrollably then that's the time for Tim to drag me off to the urgent care facility. :P Until then though I'm just going to mew pathetically and wait for my ovary to explode. (I'm kidding - I'm not *really* waiting for it to explode.. well sort of but not *REAAAALLLLLYY* heh.)

Life goes on. If I never get pregnant - my life will go on. There are moments when the pain of disappointment is crushing, but I get through it - somehow.... usually after shedding a few tears and raising my fist to the skies.

I'm normal. Really I am. :P

*ahem* What me? Slack on posting??? nawwwwww!!

:P
well I'm here now. Better late than never I guess.

This, unfortunatley is a crosspost with another entry on another site....

I'm looking for software that will help with meal planning - i.e. you plug in your meals and it comes up with a shopping list for you. Something where I can plan 7 days in advance. This is just in case I can't find an online trainer that will help with nutrition/meal planning.

I've used fitday before - it's okay but not comprehensive enough. I have dietpower - more powerful than fitday (in my opinion) but still has its limitations - most notably - meal planning. I can enter all my food but I want to be able to plan meals not just enter them. (Because so far - my 'not planning and just eating well' plan hasn't been much of a plan *wink*).

I've found this software but I'm not sure of it - anyone heard of this one before? Price looks good on that one at least. Other software recommendations??


I can sign up at ediets.com for Bill Phillips "Eating for Life" plan for 2.99 a week. Add in 1.99 for 'online expert support' (and full access to their chat groups, and an online mentor). For 12 weeks that would be 59.76 before tax. Ediets will give me weekly meal plans based on the type of plan I've chosen, including shopping lists etc. They say you can terminate your membership at any time, but in the fine print you'll notice if you do so within the first 3 months you're charged a 25.00 termination fee. (other fees for other plans seem to vary?).

Anyhow - if nothing else comes up I may give this a try. 59.76 even after any applicable tax is less than one Chiro adjustment and massage - it may be worth a try.