227.5

Weight dropped this morning again.

I probably shouldn't have weighed myself. I didn't eat a whole heck of a lot yesterday. The positive reinforcement from the scale this morning not good.

I keep reminding myself that anorexia is NOT the path I want to take with my life. When you find yourself standing on a slippery slope... find a way to safer ground.

I'm on slippery ground here. In the past I think I questioned whether or not I had the discipline and the will power to restrict my food that much for as long as it would take to come anywhere close to 'goal weight'. In the past I didn't believe I could do it. After almost 3 years of pretty much sticking to one diet or another and never giving up once.... I *know* I have the strength to do it. That knowledge is dangerous. I could do it - but *why*? Could I do this until I die? Doesn't that where this path leads? Am I naieve to think that once I deliver myself to the clutches of this beast that I will somehow be strong enough to 'escape' and eat normally afterwards? How arrogant of me! I've seen stronger women fall to the clutches, and how miserable their life is. How bad is their health? What happens if I stop for one minute - walking this path - I regain my weight and I've DESTROYED my metabolism. Chances are I end up even fatter than I am now.

I've started to remind myself of all the reasons that this would be a STUPID path to to start down.

Not including wrecking my health so that I never get pregnant. That alone is a pretty powerful push me back onto safe ground.


So no - I'm not going anorexic. And I'm going to EAT today to prove it. The fact that I've even had this conversation with myself shakes me. Scares me.

If anyone is out there reading - today is the day that I need your support - please leave me notes. Hit me over the head with them. Remind me how stupid it is to even be THINKING about succumbing to anorexia.