I think I'm going nuts.

Don't ask me why but 3 days ago I started thinking about names. Names for a girl and names for a boy. WHY? I just said don't ask me why. The answer is I don't know. Why out of the blue and months and months of dissappointment would I even THINK about starting down that road again. It leads to nothing but heartbreak.

Maybe it was because I was so tired I felt sick... and that started the subconcious wheels of 'I might be pregnant' going. I don't know. But they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I must be insane!


Then today - the nausea started. Maybe it's just tiredness, maybe it's my body rebelling from the munchies on the weekend. I dunno. But there it is.

It's possible I suppose, but I'm feeling panicky as the little flickering flame of hope starts to rise. If I don't hope then I'm not disappointed.

I don't know what to think (other than I'm going nuts).

In other news. I deliberately weighed myself in public. For real. I really did it. even took my t-shirt off and got photographed in my sports bra and stretchy oh-so-NOT-flattering exercise pants. Oh yeah. I did it. *laugh* My 'Iowa Gym' is holding another challenge. I tied for 3rd place last year. Felt like a fraud weighing in this year as I'm up a total of 22.5 lbs from my lowest weight last year. But this is what challenges are for... to get your sorry ass in motion. So mines moving.

WATCH OUT! 233.5 lbs of cellulite coming through!!!!!!

10 days later...

:P and I'm finally here again updating.

1) we had company this weekend. I've spent a week or more cleaning.
2) I've got some jewelry orders to work on.
3) my gym is doing another 'challenge'. I won third place last year - I'm gonna give it a go again this year (DESPITE the shoulder thing). I'm in more pain now than I was then I think... but I need something to work towards. A definite start and end date.

In terms of 'trying'. Well honey and I have had a lot more 'fun' this month.. probably because I'm trying a lot more to just be laid back about it all. We thought about taking a break from trying to have a baby.... but ended up not actually doing anything to prevent. I didn't do opks this month. I've been temping but not religiously checking my cervical fluid and position etc. I think the lack of my announcements of 'guess what honey I have ewcm!' has helped some too. I think I may have ovulated on the weekend, but we'll see. My temps are lower than normal for post ovulation, but they were a bit lower pre-o too and the ambient temps around here lately have been below 0 F for weeks now.

Weight wise - overindulged in salty items this weekend - and some alchohol. So my weight is up this morning (no surprise there).

I did moderately well with workouts last week considering the cleaning and everything else that was going on. Of course no where NEAR what I was doing in both intensity and frequency when I was in my 'prime' last year. Or even earlier this year. But its a start. I have to keep working on doing things SLOWLY because one over step with the workouts and I'm sidelined with shoulder pain for days and days afterwards.

:)
That's about it for now!

We are who we are because of what we've been through

I was leaving a comment over in another blog when I realized I was spouting off in huge copious amounts in her comment section... rather than pollute up her blog with my (seemingly) neverending thoughts... I made it into a blog entry...

1002go was talking about her feelings and how she was glad she had been overweight growing up - this thought resonated with me as I've often looked back on my life and wondered how different I would be as a person if I hadn't experienced the pain and hurt that comes from being large and jiggly in a world that covets stick thin limbs and/or six pack abs and striated delts ;)

... Here's what I was going to say:

You are who you are as a person BECAUSE Of all the things you experience in life. Yeah - being teased and self consious is painful but that pain does make you grow, you learn to become a better person and become stronger because of it.

You also touched on a major point too - fat is an insulator. When people don't like us - or say something mean, we can blame it on the fat. And subconsiously we can say to ourselves "oh they just don't like me because I'm fat - and therefore I don't have to feel bad that they don't like me because they're a bad person for being so shallow". That 'insulator' protects us in some ways and it can be a major issue for some folks - giving up the security blanket of fat is extremely frightening. When we can no longer blame our failures and shortcommings on our fat - we have to accept that there is some other part of us that might not be spotless... and that's truly frightening!! Enough so that a lot of people will continually self sabatoge their weightloss efforts because they're afraid of what will happen when their skinny - what will they blame things on?

Some people think that life will magically be 'okay' if they can just lose the weight... the truth is being 'thin' or 'skinny' doesn't solve all the problems in our lives... we still have dissappointment (like not getting the job we wanted, or the guy we wanted)... and shopping for clothes can still be a painful experience... there will always be someone thinner, prettier, richer, better dressed, nicer, more liked than us... The key is to realize that fat or thin - we can find happiness inside of ourselves.

I was the fat girl while my sister was the model beautiful one. This stereotype has followed both of us for most of our lives. There has been only ONE time in our lives where I was thinner than she was, and I'm sorry to say that YES there was a shallow part of me that felt good that for ONCE my sister was the chubby uncomfortable one, but it was quickly replaced by sadness and regret because I recognized the sadness and pain in her eyes when she looked at me... it was the same pain and sadness I had faced every day. In that moment I realized I never wanted to wish that feeling on her again. Yes being the 'chubby' one in the family has been tough... but it's made me who I am...

Would I be the same person if I hadn't of gone through the trials and tribulations of being overweight in a society that currently favors stick thin as 'beauty'? Nope probably not - and that's fine with me!

Been far too long...

since I posted.

These gaps keep people from coming back to read... what am I thinking - :P that's just my poor writing doing that! ;)

I'm picking up speed in many areas. Working on my jewelry business and ramping up with my fitness quest. I reached a point where I just felt like - shoot - what does it matter. I'm in pain if I don't workout, and I'm in pain when I do. If I'm going to be in pain - why not just be in pain and HOPEFULLY getting healthier.

SO I've been working on getting back to that again. I slacked a bit in the month of December, partially due to some flareups (from the extra computer time putting up my jewelry website), but also due to the usual holiday busy crap, and again - hours spent trying to get the business up and running. Speaking of which ... I need to spend time on it tonight. Get the rest of the pages up, fix up the copy, and get up more inventory.

I also have a few other business details to take care of and finish strategizing on upcoming jewelry parties for Valentines.


On the 'infertility' front.... DH had a semen analysis done. Results weren't quite what we expected. He's scheduling another SA to see if the results can be confirmed. I hesitate to talk about it because I feel like I'm blasting his personal info all over the internet (oh wait - no one reads my blog anyhow *laugh* *phew*). I don't know why I have no issue broadcasting my own physical inadequacies but feel squeemish about saying anything about hubby... I guess I want to protect him, from the feelings that I have about my own issues, but also from any outside scruitiny. He's not an easily rattled guy, secure in his masculinity, but he IS a man after all. And I know what it was like to get news that your fertility may not be what you expected it to be. Devastating is a word that comes to mind.

Anyhow... we're dealing. I'm waiting on him to make the appt, he said he would. I don't want to put any more pressure on him, and I think this is a good juncture to just take a step back and *breathe*. I haven't started temping this cycle. I'm feeling the temptation to start it up, like I'm missing out on a good coversation somewhere you know - the loss of not knowing what's going on in my body is wierding me out a bit. A bit of those 'control' issues cropping up I'm afraid.

Depending on the results of the SA we have several courses of action. HSG is on the table right now, something we'll probably do regardless of the results of the SA. If his SA is good - we'll start clomid, if not, we'll start seriously talking about IUI. Part of me REALLY wants to do this on our own, like it would be some failure on my part if we don't do this naturally. The other part of me knows that's pretty much ridiculous. I've done everything I can do to get my health back, I struggle, but I know I've achieved some pretty amazing things and I still will be. AND if there is a problem with the SA - that's not my fault, I can't control that. Hell - I can't control EVERYTHING.

That's lesson I keep learning daily too. I can't control everything. Going the route of IUI or even more drastic measures - I would never think anyone else was a 'failure' for doing it to achieve their dreams - a child.... so WHY on God's Green Earth would I label myself with that? I'm not sure exactly but it comes back to me measuring myself with a different stick than I would measure anyone else with. I'm always harder on myself. It's something I continue to strive towards remedying. It's a bit narcissitic too when you think about it - why be harder on myself? Do I deep down think I'm better than everyone else and therefore should be judged more harshly? HEH let me tell you when I open up my mind to think about THAT aspect of it all it knocks me off my high horse really quickly. I'm not any better (or worse) than a good # of people out there.... so I gotta stop being so effing HARD on myself.

Anyhow - good convo going on over at one of the (many) infertility blogs I haunt... about circumcision. Check it out ... Tertia's Controversial Cut .

Well folks - life beckons... I must keep moving!