Life without mirrors

I had this thought this weekend - how would I feel about myself if I had a life without mirrors?

How would I feel about myself if I never saw my fat rolls in the mirror, or the cellulite on my butt, or zits on my face, or my thinning hair. What kinds of thoughts would I have? How would I judge myself? What would I think other people were thinking about me?

Invariably when I'm standing in front of the mirror, I'm judging myself. I see myself and I start wondering what other people think of me. If that physical exterior was removed (i.e. I couldn't see it) what would I think? How would I judge myself?

It occurred to me that I would judge myself based on my smile, the way people warm to me when I smile. I would judge myself based on how happy I make my friends, and my family.... and my husband. I wouldn't have anything discordant from the words of my husband. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, how sexy he finds me. If I couldn't see anything different for myself - would I believe him more?

Would I judge myself solely on my actions and how I live my life instead of that AND how I look?

Would I judge my efforts to be healthy based on how I'm feeling rather than how I look?

I'm not sure if I'm expressing myself here but it was a light bulb moment for me. I don't think I'd beat myself up nearly as much if I couldn't look in the mirror and SEE how fat I am. I'd be much happier with myself. I wouldn't judge myself as much.

Would I even know I had a small zit on my forehead? Would I care about the wrinkles forming around my eyes?

I don't think so. AT least - not nearly as much.

I need to recognize this. I doubt I can avoid mirrors for the rest of my life so how do I achieve happiness with them? By modifying my inner dialogue.

These thoughts all came about because I spent the majority of the weekend camping, in the woods. And I was HAPPY. Not just because I was out in nature (which is always healing for me), but I realized too - because I was doing the things that I liked to do, and wearing comfortable clothes, and I didn't CARE if my stomach pooched out in my exercise pants (and the shirt I packed didn't cover it up), or if my uniboob from my sports bra was unflattering. I didn't care. I couldnt see it, and I didn't care, I was camping anyhow. I didn't care that my hair was a frizz bomb, or if my face was dirty with soot from building a fire, no mirror - couldn't see it. I was with my husband (who loves me 100% for who I am, and even loves my curves).... and I was happy. Happy being alone painting while he went fishing on saturday. And happy Sunday hiking around with him in 20 lbs of totally unflattering fly fishing gear... just spending time with him, with nature, and practicing my fly casting (More like practicing feeding the trees fly's! heh).

Not having a visual reminder of my 'unacceptable state' meant I was completely free to enjoy nature and better yet enjoy myself.

It was a huge reminder to me that I need to change my inner monologue. I need to focus on the good things that I DO. And not just whether or not I did a workout that day, or did or didn't avoid chocolate. I just need to be more POSITIVE overall. Not just about the weightloss things, but about everything, and not focus so much on the things in my life that suck (like shoulder pain, infertility, and PCOS symptoms, and extra fat).