My Cervix had a temper tantrum.

BAD CERVIX!!! *waggles a finger at cervix*

Yeah - another burst of red spotting late last night. I've been having more of that aching and irriation too around the area that would be my right ovary. Not sure wtf is up with that. There was some (ewww don't read if you have a weak stomach) ... clottyness that had fallen into the toilet. It could have been cervical mucous mixed with blood - who knows.

I'm still getting ewcm. If I was a betting woman I'd say that I haven't ovulated this month, and probably won't. Ironically I had put up an 'override' on my fertility friend chart - on cd18 - I took it down yesterday as I've been having more spurts of ewcm. These 'gushes of red blood' have been happening 9/10 days past ovulation. Well guess what? if I count back 9 days? guess what day that lands me on? You guessed it cd 18. So maybe I did ovulate? But then why the ewcm? Unless my hormones are getting screwy again, and my estrogen is skyrocketing. Might explain why my sex drive has just gone through the roof this month and last. Like it was when I was a teenager. Like it was when PCOS was just about to pounce on me and spiral my health out of control. This month the sex drive seems to be continuing through the whole cycle instead of shutting off immediately after ovulation. Did I ovulate several times? Did I not ovulate? Who the fuck knows. The huge spike in my weight over the weekend would correlate nicely though with AF coming any day now. Probably Thursday afternoon before my husband gets home - according to Murphy's Law.

I feel like I'm playing a game of Russian Roulette. Each month I spin the barrel on the gun, pull the trigger, and pray that this month PCOS doesn't catch up with me. That this month I ovulate and things don't get out of control.

I think I'm fighting off SAD again too. I cannot for the life of me seem to break this habit of getting out of bed late. Even for work I'm pushing the line. That speaks to me though and says if I can still force myself out of bed for work I can do it for myself and my health/weightloss goals. I just have to find a way. Find a way to push the curtains of depression back and make getting up early a HABIT.

I'm feeling confused and down today. Heh. I can hear some people saying 'No Shit Sherlock!'. I want to be positive, and reinforce the good things that I've been doing but I'm beating myself up too. If I hadn't of gained this weight I wouldn't be so fucking worried about the PCOS shit. Although maybe that's not true. I was still pretty damn worried about it 15 lbs ago. So I don't know. I want to do this but I feel like I'm living in a fog with lead weights on my limbs. I am proud of one thing though, when the hunger was gnawing me and I was soooooooooooooo tempted to drive through the drive through because I just wanted some quick food to eat. I resisted. I drove past the restaurants yes. But I resisted. I made my way home, came home and ate some pineapple and other assorted semi healthy stuff (pineapple was canned in it's own juice - not as good as fresh, even fresh some people say has too much sugar).


Well anyhow - that's it for now. I'll find a way to get through all this shit somehow.