Been far too long...

since I posted.

These gaps keep people from coming back to read... what am I thinking - :P that's just my poor writing doing that! ;)

I'm picking up speed in many areas. Working on my jewelry business and ramping up with my fitness quest. I reached a point where I just felt like - shoot - what does it matter. I'm in pain if I don't workout, and I'm in pain when I do. If I'm going to be in pain - why not just be in pain and HOPEFULLY getting healthier.

SO I've been working on getting back to that again. I slacked a bit in the month of December, partially due to some flareups (from the extra computer time putting up my jewelry website), but also due to the usual holiday busy crap, and again - hours spent trying to get the business up and running. Speaking of which ... I need to spend time on it tonight. Get the rest of the pages up, fix up the copy, and get up more inventory.

I also have a few other business details to take care of and finish strategizing on upcoming jewelry parties for Valentines.


On the 'infertility' front.... DH had a semen analysis done. Results weren't quite what we expected. He's scheduling another SA to see if the results can be confirmed. I hesitate to talk about it because I feel like I'm blasting his personal info all over the internet (oh wait - no one reads my blog anyhow *laugh* *phew*). I don't know why I have no issue broadcasting my own physical inadequacies but feel squeemish about saying anything about hubby... I guess I want to protect him, from the feelings that I have about my own issues, but also from any outside scruitiny. He's not an easily rattled guy, secure in his masculinity, but he IS a man after all. And I know what it was like to get news that your fertility may not be what you expected it to be. Devastating is a word that comes to mind.

Anyhow... we're dealing. I'm waiting on him to make the appt, he said he would. I don't want to put any more pressure on him, and I think this is a good juncture to just take a step back and *breathe*. I haven't started temping this cycle. I'm feeling the temptation to start it up, like I'm missing out on a good coversation somewhere you know - the loss of not knowing what's going on in my body is wierding me out a bit. A bit of those 'control' issues cropping up I'm afraid.

Depending on the results of the SA we have several courses of action. HSG is on the table right now, something we'll probably do regardless of the results of the SA. If his SA is good - we'll start clomid, if not, we'll start seriously talking about IUI. Part of me REALLY wants to do this on our own, like it would be some failure on my part if we don't do this naturally. The other part of me knows that's pretty much ridiculous. I've done everything I can do to get my health back, I struggle, but I know I've achieved some pretty amazing things and I still will be. AND if there is a problem with the SA - that's not my fault, I can't control that. Hell - I can't control EVERYTHING.

That's lesson I keep learning daily too. I can't control everything. Going the route of IUI or even more drastic measures - I would never think anyone else was a 'failure' for doing it to achieve their dreams - a child.... so WHY on God's Green Earth would I label myself with that? I'm not sure exactly but it comes back to me measuring myself with a different stick than I would measure anyone else with. I'm always harder on myself. It's something I continue to strive towards remedying. It's a bit narcissitic too when you think about it - why be harder on myself? Do I deep down think I'm better than everyone else and therefore should be judged more harshly? HEH let me tell you when I open up my mind to think about THAT aspect of it all it knocks me off my high horse really quickly. I'm not any better (or worse) than a good # of people out there.... so I gotta stop being so effing HARD on myself.

Anyhow - good convo going on over at one of the (many) infertility blogs I haunt... about circumcision. Check it out ... Tertia's Controversial Cut .

Well folks - life beckons... I must keep moving!