Wanna hear something pathetic?
I have a bunch of blogs that I read - all 'infertiles' like me. People who are struggling to get pregnant, have been for months, years etc. I found some comfort in reading what they're going through, knowing I"m not alone in this fucking insanity. That most of us go through certain emotions. That well meaning statements can drive us batty at times...
Well guess what - 8 out of the 10 that I read are now pregnant, or just delivered. Yay. So I'm back to being alone again. Do you *KNOW* how much it sucks to want to be happy for someone knowing they worked SO HARD for something for SO LONG and they've wanted it so badly... and all you can feel is jealousy? hurt? abandonment? Why is it easier for me to feel happy for my friends that weren't going through infertility? I don't get that, well I do. I didn't identify with them I guess. I put those friends in a different class they weren't 'like me' so it was easier to be happy for them when they became pregnant.
I have to keep myself from feeling "Great! It's just ME that's broken now, everyone else is 'working' again". I really do... and I absolutely positively FUCKING HATE FEELING THIS WAY.
I do. I don't LIKE feeling sorry for myself. I want to be able to just let this emotion go, focus on more positive things. I'm trying. I am. But I'm still finding myself crying when I think about this, so OBVIOUSLY I'm NOT letting go. Obviously the hurt and pain is still there.
I don't know what to do about that other than just keep trying.
1 Comments:
Hey, I'm still here. Still not making the babies. What's more, I probably only have a few months left to try, and I'm not really in shape for it. I have like 10 LJ friends who are about to pop their sprogs, and right about the time I would have if the last one hadn't gone wrong.
No, not the same pain, but I think I get it.
Still, I have the idea that someday this will all make sense to me. Let's just keep trying until it does, shall we?
--Susan
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