Background info

I had been experiencing some shoulder discomfort with certain weight training exercises last year. I cut back on my weight with those movements (like lat pull down, flys, side raises, pull ups etc) and started doing rotator cuff strengthening moves. Hoping that it was just a slight weakness. After watching a 4 hour long movie in a theatre just after Christmas I stood up from the movie and was unable to lift my arm. Shooting stabbing pain. I've had problems with that shoulder ever since. Many Chiro sessions, PT sessions , TENS therapy, EMGs, x-rays, and MRI's later - no firm diagnosis as to what's happening. One very small cyst in that left shoulder joint, but the physical & medical rehab doc says he thinks it's clinically insignificant. In March I fell on vacation and gave my MCL tendon a huge wrench, probably tore it some, but I was stubborn and pressed on with my 2 week vacation in the bahamas. Needless to say the 5K race I had planned for the end of April went by the way side. My knee slowly healed, but the shoulder has gotten worse, and then slightly better and then worse. Never really clearing up. In May I was rearended. Not a huge accident but I did get some whiplash.... ironically coming back from PT for my neck and left shoulder. That set me back. I'm still having probs, more joint ache and whole host of other misc health issues. Docs aren't sure what the heck is going on. All that I know is that there are days when dressing/undressing myself is excrutiating, let alone pushing myself to do a workout. I still have a lot of tightness in my left shoulder. I wake up with my traps like rocks. Like I've done 100 side raises with 7 lb dumbells in my sleep. I really look like I have golfballs sitting on top of my shoulders some days. Heat, ibuprophen, tramadol, muscle relaxants. Nothing seems to work, and I seem to build up a tolerance or adjust to pain meds quite quickly. So I've been limiting my intake of meds and saving them for 'really bad days'. Which usually means I spend some days in pain when I probably should be taking something to at least take the edge off. My husband and I are trying to conceive (henceforth referred to as TTC) though (since May) and I've been trying to cut back on all meds since then anyhow.
I also have PCOS - which as an endocrine disorder means weight loss is pretty darn tough for me, I am now taking a med to help my insulin sensitivity - but I still need to workout (like everyone), and watch my food. Not being able to weight train has thrown a serious loop in my progress in that direction. And extra weight messes up your hormones, so losing weight is a two prong thing for me - I want to be healthier, and I want to have a baby. In that respect alone the shoulder injury has a huge impact on me, emotionally/mentally, and physically. It would be tough even with out the TTC stuff. I've slowly watched my hard earned work of 2 years be eroded away. In part because of the PCOS crap, but also because of nt being able to workout as intensely (I was doing 6 workouts a week: 3 intense weight training, and 3 HIIT cardio or Body-for-life 20MAS sessions, or running my guts out on a treadmill and/or elliptical). I was pretty hard core. Both in the gym and the kitchen. I'm also the type of person that tends to let food go down hill when I'm not pushing myself in the gym. A bad habit and something I've been working on, but it definitely plays a part. While the last 10 months I've been relatively healthy (considering the diets of a lot of mainstream america), it's been pretty pitiful compared to the standards I once held myself. For example - I've started eating *gasp* whole wheat bread again, and canned soups, and yoghurt and the occasional pat of butter. The strict standards I had to have in order to achieve a piddly .5 lb weight loss average per week. I spent a good deal of 2003 in limbo too, barely losing 8 lbs over that year... a lot of 2003 was more struggling to maintain than breaking new ground. And yes - that's with busting my guts out every day, pushing myself every week.

Anyhow - these days I'm lucky to have a day that's painfree, or even a day that doesn't end with me wanting to litterally cut off my trap muscle and be done with it. I feel like a wimp some days - for feeling all this pain when nothing is broken and nothing shows up on the MRI's, but the pain is real. And I've been dealing with it for a long time now. I can't imagine how people deal with pain like this for years and years. It's brought me to the brink of depression.

I spent about 8 weeks doing absolutely nothing, no workouts, no walking, no weights. Just stretches and heat packs and ice packs, and TENS therapy - in the hopes that *maybe* if I just let it rest long enough things would sort themselves out. No such luck. So I've decided - f. it! If I'm going to be in pain I might as well be working out and stopping the pudge march AND be in pain. Rather than just being in pain and sitting on the couch feeling out of control. Working out does so muchfor my self image, my mental state, and so much for me physically too. Never thought I'd ever say that, I've never been the athletic type. I was a nerdy girly girl, content to sit under a tree and read a good book rather than run a 5K race and aim for a marathon. *laugh* Things do change though - things do change. I have to remind myself of that every day.

I won't always be in this place. I'm determined to find a way out.

Right now I'm seeking alternative therapies, conventional medicine doesn't have an answer for me, so the answer lies somewhere else. Maybe within me? Whatever the outcome this is the direction I'm taking right now.