Count down is on

Hard to believe that in a few short weeks I should be holding my little baby boy in my arms.

I love him so much already!

Lots of emotions going through me in the last few days. Last week on the 10th I had another ultrasound to check the size and weight of the baby. He is growing fast. Measuring 2 weeks ahead and weighing 5 lbs 11 oz - in the 83rd percentile for weight.

But because my eating hasn't been absolutely 100% perfect (especially the week my parents were here for a visit - I blame myself. Logically I KNOW that my blood sugars have been great. they've been deteriorating in the last 3 weeks, but nothing atrocious. I know that what I term a 'bad' blood sugar measurement wouldn't even fail someone on the glucose tolerance test that they do to check for gestational diabetes. I keep TIGHT control. Yet - I can't help but question, and blame myself. I've always had a tendancy to do this. Logically I know that it's more likely that the baby is just naturally growing big, that he would even if I didn't have PCOS and insulin issues.... but emotionally it's not that straight forward. Emotions take over and I start doubting myself. Doubting what I believe to be true, going over every little thing that I've eaten and given myself the inquisition. I've raked myself over the coals. Hubby has sensed it. There was an inconsolable sadness in me and he could feel it. In a way I think every mother is like this. Intelligent, logical people, blaming themself for something going wrong with their child, despite the evidence that suggests that it just was, that it wasn't their fault.

I think too that once you get the label gestational diabetes you're an automatic 'suspect' to have a big baby. There's a bias there, an automatic assumption. I wonder sometimes if the doc doesn't subconsciously measure my belly bigger than it really is - because of a subconsious preconceived idea. According to him I'm measuring at 38 weeks, and yet strangers who don't know that I have GD - are surprised to find out that I'm as far along as I am.

I've gained a total of 10 lbs this pregnancy so far. I have about 6-8 weeks to go. This is far less than I expected to gain for sure. It was definitely not a planned thing. I thought keeping the gain to 20 lbs would be a rough goal to attain... yet here I am barely gaining any weight (despite eating copious amounts of healthy food).
I've just followed my body's cues. Eating when I'm hungry (and when my blood sugar was low enough - below 100 mg/dl) and not eating when I wasn't. I've still had the occasional indulgement, and the almost daily indulgement while my parents were here... but 95% of the time I'm on plan with my eating. Consiously trying to pick good carb choices, eat enough protein and veggies, and when on the road and only having the choice of fast food - limiting my portions of 'bad' carbs.

I've majorly cut back on my caffiene intake. Having *maybe* one cup of coffee a week now - and it's been that way for months. I've avoided aspartame almost completely. I've even limited splenda on the off chance that it too isn't healthy. Since so many things that we thought were healthy are now labeled 'bad'items.

I haven't been as active as I thought I would be... but lack of energy has played a big part of that.

Still - I was doubting myself. I went to the diabetes education nurse to get some advice and talk about adding in the short acting insulin. Something I'd been hoping to avoid. My average 2 hour post prandial #'s were creeping into the 140's ... higher than my goal of < 120 mg/dl and I wanted to deal with it (rather than stick my head in the sand and have my baby grow even larger than he needed to be).

I'm glad I went. She made me feel so much better about myself, about how I was doing with my #'s. I expressed my concern about the babies weight. She poured over my log book again, reviewing my blood sugars. Bless her soul - she tells me: "Well I can't see how it's your blood sugars causing the baby to grow big, maybe he's just meant to grow this big. Looking at your numbers I would never guess that your baby would grow too big, you're one of my model patients. I wish you could come in and talk to some of my other patients - you're doing so well!!"

I just about hugged her right there in the office. It was the affirmation that I needed. Just that little push to help me to see the logical side of things and not let my emotions derail me.

I'm still worried that the baby will be too big. If he gains 1/2 a lb from here until 38 weeks - I'm looking at a 8.5 to 9.5 lb baby. A little on the large side, but manageable for sure. My doctor is talking induction at week 38. I'm hoping to convince him to wait until the later part of week 38.

I'm torn between wanting this little guy to have as much time in there as he needs, and avoiding a c-section.

I want to avoid a c-section for a lot of reasons

1) The separation between mother and child at birth - those first few moments of bonding time are so important to me.
2) Anesthesia does get into the babies blood stream. Most people say it's 'minimal' but studies show that these babies have a harder time breastfeeding, are lazy latchers etc.

Breastfeeding is extremely important to me. I make no judgements on what other people choose for themself and their child, but for me I feel I need to do everything that I can to ensure that breastfeeding happens. This means no bottles in the nursery, no binkies or pacifiers until I get breastfeeding established. I don't want any chance of nipple confusion happening.

3) c-sec is a major surgery. Even though my blood sugars are under control - having gestational diabetes and pre-existing blood sugar issues makes even more nervous.


On the other hand - if we try to induce labor before my body is ready - it's likely to end in a c-sec anyhow. If the baby grows too big - automatic c-sec.

So it's a bit of a quandry - the answer to which may become clearer as the pregnancy progresses. And who knows - maybe my body will be ready by 38 weeks anyhow and I'll go into labor on my own??

I'm trying not to stress out about it. I'm just going to focus on each day, eat well, get as much movement in as I can, and enjoy every moment I have!

Here are some pics of the little man from his 4-d ultrasound session:




And here's me at 30 weeks: